I wish I could punch you in the face.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
