you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think my nap took me to another dimension
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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