just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
