How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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