It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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