Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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