I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
