He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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