I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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