you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
