21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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