White coat. Heels.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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