shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
