i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
