I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
