Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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