Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my sisters under your porch take her home
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
