yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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