my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
