You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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