Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Mom said you looked used
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
