guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
