Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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