soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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