how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She even gives head with a lisp.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
