Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
