dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
