You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
