i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
