apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
