I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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