The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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