you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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