She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
