I'm jealous of your bromance
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
