I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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