She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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