I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
