He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
