My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
