Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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