My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
