Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
