u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
