Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
