so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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