Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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