I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
