shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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