mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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