I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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