Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
