I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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