I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
