hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
