No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
