can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
