I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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