ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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