Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
