I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just google imaged poop.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
