i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
