this just has baby written all over it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
